My Story…From Burnout to Embodiment
Growing up in a Westernized society, I learned early that the idea is to work towards happiness - do these 10 steps, and earn your happiness.
So, as a good little do-er, I got to work on those steps, all the while, feeling inside like I wasn’t totally sure of myself or what I was doing.
Sometimes I even felt like a kid inside in an adult world. Maybe you know the feeling?
And at that time I didn’t have much support. I didn’t have anyone to walk with me through my suffering. Things were not great for a number of years, depression, major anxiety, I couldn’t make decisions on the direction I needed to go. I was stuck.
I spent the next several years focusing on my needs. I didn’t work any jobs that would tempt my workaholism, I focused on healing through talk therapy, support groups, deeper yoga practice and through community.
Even though I felt relief and life was transforming in a positive way inside and outside, there was still something missing, although I couldn’t identify it, (spoiler : it was embodied self-compassion).
When life got hard or too stressful (as life does), I began to lean on old unhealthy patterns, my survival resources.
After 2020, I went through another deep burnout, “a couldn’t even function, zero functioning happening” burnout. Even as a yoga practitioner, for over 20 years, I wasn’t living in an embodied way, causing me to override the body’s wisdom and sensations, with what I “thought” (mind) was best or needed.
Through embodied self-compassion I was invited to discover - me, and learn how to be good to - me. How to embrace - me. How to be there for - me. Identifying my needs and then fulfilling them as best as I could.
I used to think if I lived by a certain set of rules, if I was living correctly, I could avoid pain. And when I experienced pain, I assumed I brought that on myself, which brought feelings of shame - what a cycle!
What I’ve come to accept is, life is painful sometimes. So how do I walk myself through it, how do I help myself alleviate it when it shows up? How do I keep moving forward, and not stay stuck?
The process was slow, I typically like to rush things (and push past my limits) but I knew this needed time to settle into my bones and my consciousness.
This is sacred work, when a human can turn towards themselves with love and kindness during times when we feel most inadequate, life will never be the same. Embodied self-compassion was the missing tool in my tool box. I love who I am now. I never thought I’d say that, nor did I think it was socially appropriate to say that without seeming wrong or conceited.
My life is simpler now. Most of the time I have a sense of peace, there’s no more straining or striving to get somewhere. I am there. This is where I am. My perspective is so different about the life I want and need - because it’s coming from internally instead of externally. I have a lot more time and space to take care of myself. I don’t say yes to everything. I have flexible boundaries. I feel more alive, like I’m actually living.
I did not walk this road alone. I had many beautiful people supporting me and cheering me on, holding space and connecting me with a stable nervous system.
I have confidence now that I am able to handle whatever comes my way, I know myself and my needs. I developed skills that work for me to stay out of over-doing, and I know deep in my soul that I will never abandon myself again - I’m here for me.
I’m currently in my second year of Yoga Therapy Training, and very much looking forward to becoming a qualified Yoga Therapist in 2025.
